My new aim.

I'm very sorry for the lack of posts last month.. I have been up to my ears with coursework. I should really be cracking on with coursework right now! I will always have 3 or more assignments on the go at any one time, according to the tutors.. It's a lot harder than I ever would have imagined. Since joining college, I've been struggling very badly with stress, which has embarrassingly caused me to gain a bit of weight (comfort eating... Mainly junk too). In my opinion it is extremely noticeable, especially around my middle... I'm very disappointed and ashamed of myself about it actually.

I received good news today though. My Mum has booked, and paid for, the venue for my 21st birthday (the beginning of next year)! I haven't had anything, since coming back from Magaluf in June, to focus on losing weight for. When I have something to aim losing weight for, such as an event or holiday, I tend to be more determined and have a little more willpower. So I can now aim to lose weight for my 21st birthday party! I want to be looking my best. My weight goal is to get towards the 8 and a half stone mark, give or take a little. Not sure how realistic that will be with Halloween and Christmas happening in between that time (likely to be lots of food, sweets, chocolate and alcohol around...), but I will give it my best shot.

Wish me luck!

I need to set my priorities straight..

As some of you may know, I like a good night out (don't judge, please - I know this is a weightloss blog, but I do like to enjoy myself and let my hair down sometimes too). But last night may have changed my opinion a little.. It was... eventful? I went drinking in town with a few friends and predrank beforehand.. But I predrank WAY more than usual.. Why? I have no idea. Maybe I'm just an idiot. After spending the majority of the night with my head in a toilet, crying and eating a mountain of cheesy chips, I've come to the realisation, I cannot handle my alcohol. I like to think I can, but after last night I know I can't. This morning I found what was left in my bottle of Malibu, and I was disgusted in myself when I actually saw how much I got through - I'm lucky I didn't have to go to hospital. I am so ashamed and very embarrassed. I know we all make mistakes and "you only live once", but the events of last night are playing with my mind. I have spent nearly all day in town, killing time with the worst hangover to date, as I didn't feel sober enough to drive home this morning. I'm finally home and it's gone 4pm.. Almost a whole day wasted.

I have realised that I clearly have my priorities all wrong. Yes, socialising and having a dance with a few drinks down you is great fun, but for me it just happens way too often now. Each night I go out I seem to get through more and more alcohol, thinking I can handle it when I clearly can't. I need to start setting dates for my nights out way in advance, instead of deciding the day before that I'm going to go out, as that way I won't be going out once every week or two, and they'll be more spread out. I'll probably appreciate the nights out and time with my friends more, and I'm sure mine and my boyfriend's pockets will appreciate that too. I also need to stop predrinking, or buy seriously less alcohol for myself to drink if I do. Buying drinks in town is more expensive, which sucks, but it means I'll drink less as I won't be able to afford many drinks (I am extremely stingy with my money on nights out, no matter how intoxicated I am). So I'm now going to have to find something else to do on my Saturday nights.. No idea what though.

I want to spend more of my time doing more important things, like working a bit more and saving up some money, seeing family and friends (whilst sober), looking into going back to college in September, focusing on writing for my blog and the e-magazine, Pie, that I now write a little bit for each month and tackling my insomnia, anxiety and weight issues. Also I need to get my butt back down the gym and get back into a proper routine instead of going 1-2 times a week, whenever I can be bothered, and I need to start eating more healthily again, as I keep yo-yoing from eating really good one day to really naughty the next. I need to look after my body and stop treating it like a dustbin.

Hopefully, with support from my family (and hopefully friends too), and of course will power, I'll be able to stick to all of this. *Fingers crossed*, I can do this!

My weaknesses.. I'm only human.

Everybody has weaknesses. We are only human, after all.

Just in case any of you think that I am the perfect dieter that never slips up and exercises 5 times a week here's a post to show I'm not. I am far from that. I simply don't post my bad days on my blog very often because I want you all to be inspired to do well, not tempted to eat junk. I am just like all of you. I struggle constantly to beat off cravings and I do occasionally slip up and binge and overeat. I hardly exercise regularly and when I do, I keep it up for a week or 2 and then give up because I ache or I'm too tired.. I go out once every 1-2 weeks drinking with my friends and I always end up drunk by the end of the night. So please don't feel you're struggling on your own. I have been battling my weight since 2009, so I know it's really hard, and I still have bad weeks - more often than not nowadays. My weight yo-yo's back and forth each week. But I won't give up - my dream of being skinny/healthy is too great to give up over something so silly. If I have a bad meal/day/week, I sulk for a little, feel guilty and fat. And then I put it behind me. Tomorrow's a new day. I normally then go food shopping and buy all the veggies and fruits I possibly can, which kind of motivates me in a way.. And then start fresh. And when I slip up again, I just repeat this.

My biggest weaknesses are:
- fizzy drinks, mainly diet coke and low-cal monster energy drink - I know they're both really, really bad for you, but I can't help it! I may even be slightly addicted, if that's even possible.
- chocolate (hence why I have a secret chocolate stash).
- takeaway pizza... I tend to have pizza nights at home with my boyfriend more often than I probably should.. It doesn't help that he can get 50% off in our local Domino's Pizza!
- alcohol.. I love dancing and socialising with my friends and alcohol just makes it so much funner! I just wish it wasn't so bad for you..
- cookies. Don't even get me started.. Me + cookies = lethal. I adore cookies. I wish I was allergic to them so I had an excuse to stop myself from ever eating them. I don't eat them as often as I use to though..
- Kripsy Kreme doughnuts. These are heavenly, they taste so good. I just don't know how something can taste or smell this amazing! A major weakness!

So yeah, there you go. Proof I'm normal. These are my weaknesses and the foods/drinks I crave the most - mainly because when I was at my heaviest, back in 2009, these were the foods/drinks I ate/drank the most.. Ideally I'd like to cut the majority of this out permanently or even just cut some of it right back so I can still have it, but very rarely.. But it's a lot harder said than done. I'm just going to have to work on it. I will not let these weaknesses defeat me or my dream! :)

ARGHHH! RANT.

I posted a photo on my Instagram (my username is foreverdieting), a few weeks ago, of a tub of Ben & Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie ice cream (baring in mind the only actual reason I had that Ben & Jerry's ice cream was because I hadn't really eaten anything all day - I was suffering from flu and had a very sore throat, so my mum went out and bought it for me).. Today I  received 2 comments on the photo. The comments were:

"That's your forever dieting?"
"U are not dieting"

I do not think you can physically diet without treating yourself on occasion! Am I right or am I just doing this dieting malarkey all wrong?! If you do not allow yourself treats occasionally then you will end up craving them! And then when you finally crumble instead of just having the one little slip up, you will binge eat! And that is what makes you gain weight. Why does noone understand that? Just because my username on Instagram is 'foreverdieting', doesn't mean I make myself live off of air and water with the exception of a piece of lettuce every now and again. I am human, just like all of you. I like a chocolate bar every now and again or the odd meal out or pizza night with my boyfriend. I just don't let myself pig out on this kind of stuff all day everyday.

RAWRRR!!!! This has really pissed me off!

Rant over.